Míria
by AC.Alldredge
Summary: Míriaell your average young adult who loves partying, drinking, making inappropriate comments, really stupid references and cursing like a sailor. “Middle Earth isn’t ready for me yet.” [Legolas x Oc] Rated M for adult themes and language
1. You’ll Never Catch Me

Alright this is my first 10th walker story ever bare with me.

Updated *4/25

Disclaimer: obviously don't own LOTR but I do own Míriaell

Míriaell's POV:

6 months ago

Flashing red and blue lights go off behind me as I pull my 2017 Cobalt over to the side of the road. Groaning I run my hand over my face. This wouldn't be good not at all not at all.

The officer steps up to my window. I quickly assess him. Tall, brown hair- covered with a hat. Walking slowly- he hates working 3rd shift. Flashlight in right hand, no wedding band on either. He's about 6'2 and he has wrinkles around his forehead meaning he frowns a lot. So he's an unhappy man. Damn I feel just like motherfucking Sherlock the homie.

I rolled it down and spoke, "Hey there officer lovely night for a drive right." Is what I thought I said.

When in reality...

"I'm drunk shh don't tell anyone offisure Pe-penay. Omg are you a woman?! You've transition so well ma'am haha I mean sir"

"Ma'am I'm going to need you to step out of the vehicle," penny boy spoke.

Who's even on the penny? It's not Bill Nye that's for sure.

"You'll never catch me copper!!!" I stepped on..the brake.

SLAM!!! That was the sickening crack of the cell bars as they hit against eachother and the door opened.

'Bail bond has been paid for a Míriaell Carrington.'

"About time you guys let me out. I won't forget you guys woo," I strolled out doing finger guns at my fellow inmates. I was feeling good.

That was until I heard the wicked witch's shrill voice say my name, "Míria Anastasia Carrington Larson!"

"Mother how nice of you stop by and get me. It's only been an entire night," I smirked and grabbed my possessions stomping out to her car.

She followed quickly heels clicking on the pavement, "Well you try getting a call at 3am saying your 25 year old daughter has been pulled over again for drinking while driving! You were going 80 in a neighborhood. What the hell."

"Anthony heard from Carol who heard from Colleen who heard from Chaz who heard that Aria said I couldn't get from the end of Umbridge street in less then 30 seconds. Crazy don't they know I'm a mother fu-,"

"Míria please. I cannot keep up with these antics. You're an adult. You must learn responsibility. One day you will get married and have children. And they will ask you how you were as a child they will look up to you! And what will you say?"

"That I was freaking awesome and that grandma was a delusional old bat who thought they'd one day exist," I laughed.

"Míriaell please grow up."

"You forget we're 16 years apart mother," I smirked and leaned back.

"And you forget your tongue child. Now I'm bringing you back to our house. You are to be on house arrest until we reach your court date. Jail time would do you well," she sneered.

"Oh mother the love we share is unconditional. Do tell me they got me a ankle bracelet with fur on the inside those last two sucked ass," I pouted.

"Love has nothing to do with this. Your father would be disappointed if he saw what you've become. Your grandmother too," she shook her head.

My father. He left us before my first birthday, told mom he wasn't ready to be a dad. Said being 17 was enough for him, pathetic if you ask me. Love was disgusting my mother always tried to push the idea onto me. To find love and get married and have children. I'd rather have a year long period than to have a satanic spawn exit my body. Don't get me wrong I've slept with a few guys but I didn't get attached easily. Because people can leave you at any moment, much like my father did to my mother.

And yes we actually do get along but not when I'm in trouble obviously. I had just got off parole and wanted to have a drink with my friends didn't think I'd get too wild. Oh well you live and you learn. Unless you're me then you don't. And as for my grandmother well she's dead in the ground where the crazy lady deserves to be.

Sorry but nobody eats the last hot pocket and gets my forgiveness.

3 weeks have no passed and the court gave me two options jail time or community service. Isn't that just a basket of balls. I obviously picked jail time but my mother insist I do the reasonable thing and give back to my community. And so I guess I did.

Six months later

I'm soaking wet. And damnit not in the good way. I was late to my care giver job, yes this what the courts thought would be best for me.

Okay actually I was supposed to work at a shelter but after 4 dogs got lose, and I got locked in one of the cages- do not ask how- this was it. Okay no I tried daycare after that but you can only drop a kid so many times. The nursing home apparently doesn't like when you steal walkers and race your friends. And I won't even tell you what happened in the soup kitchen.

So this old lady was my last hope or it would be jail time. All I had to do was to spend time with this old lady for 2 hours a day and I just so happened to also take care of her. And hell no I don't wipe her wrinkly ass...I pat.

Anyway I was late because my alarm didn't go off and so I slept in and because I slept in I missed the bus and because I missed the bus I was walking through the rain- well running through the rain. I finally arrived at my destination. Miss. Gavernson's house, it was small with horrible peeling shillings and a really ugly red door. I really should have someone repaint it for her. Unlocking the door with my spare key I walked inside, my red hair drenched and stuck to my face.

My blue and white bow rainboots covered in mud, my light blue jeans now dark and my white hoodie completely ruined from the water and mud. I looked into a small mirror that hung on the side of the entryway. Grey eyes blood shot from walking through the rain. All in all I look like a drowned dog.

"You are late..again," an old raspy voice came from the sitting room.

"I am not late, for I simply arrived at the time I believed early for me and it would seem late for you," I shuffled into the sitting room.

Plastic covered pink couches aligned the border with a fluffy pink rug, and in the middle sat Miss. Gavernson rocking away in her old wooden chair.

"I once knew a wizard who would say such a thing," she grumbled.

Now I like the old lady don't get me wrong but did I mention Miss. G has been off her rocker for about 30 years? It said she disappeared when she was 20 and came back screaming about dragons and hobbits and dwarves. Most have summed up she was kidnapped and probably suffers memory lost. She's however adamant she went on an adventure. I just play along because I'm pretty sure she did some hard drugs and that's why she's so trippy.

"Ahh yes wasn't his name Gandalf. You were telling me about him yesterday," I hummed out sitting in the chair next to her closing my eyes.

"Yes yes Gandalf! And Bilbo and..Thorin. I do miss them all. Oh Míriaell what I wouldn't give to go back," she sighed.

I'm still pretty sure when she took the hard drug trip she was binge reading The Hobbit books, because I couldn't understand why she compared them to a fanstay story? I had never read it no, but I was informed upon being assigned her that I wasn't to break her imagination.

"I'm sure you'll go back someday Miss. G. You just have to be patient," I smiled slightly.

"Míriaell. I won't be here much longer, I shall be departing west soon. Going to be with my family, my children. My husband. This shall be our last talk," she murmured.

I wasn't informed she was married with children but maybe it was in her head. And our last talk? I am confused now.

Was she dying? Do I call someone?

While I was deciding if I should she started seizing. Alright so now I definitely should call right? She then began convulsing. This I believe is when I call now huh?

I jumped from the chair and went to her quickly. I dialed 911 as I reached down to her, trying my best not to touch her and keep calm as she continued shaking.

"Hello yes? Um my friend is having a seizure! Um no I don't know what caused it. Okay it's blue? Should it be blue?! What do you mean stop yelling!! Wait- she's stopping. Her breathing is getting shallow. I think she's dying hurry please!!"

I told the lady her address quickly and then sat my phone down checking her pulse, it was still there but faintly so.

"Miss. G come on don't die on me, stay with me let's talk about Gandalf yea," I muttered with tears.

I kept checking her pulse, and then it was gone. She was gone. I closed my eyes and cried, hot tears streaming down my face.

Then suddenly she gasped out a gulp of air and then grabbed my hand, pulling my entire body towards her. Her eyes were a milky white color and her pupils were gone. A dark voice left her body as she spoke.

When the first one is reborn,

a marked child shall usher forth

the end of darkness and despair.

And when that time comes and what's shrouded is revealed, it shall be then

when the mark of the one

becomes the mark of many

a woman of grey shall

bring forth the rise of nature.

Upon that day the moon turns blue,

the prophet shall cause a shift in power

and the downfall of two kingdoms.

And yet there will come a day when

a kingdom shall once again

have a king and the young one

shall mark an aeon of

fortune and the rise of hope.

And then she was gone again. I let out a scream as I heard the ambulance arrive outside. They burst through the door and started checking her vitals.

I began backing up into the corner my grey eyes wide in fear. I'd never seen anybody die in front of me but worst of all, I'm probably getting arrested cause my meal ticket is on the ground.

I ran out ignoring the shouts of the first responder and I kept running and running until the tears on my face were mixed with the harsh rains.

I kept running until suddenly I couldn't run anymore. I felt my legs grow heavy as I continued running. It was starting to rain harder now, I'm sure it was hail. I fell onto the pavement. and screamed. I screamed for Miss. G dying, and for whatever happened after she'd gone. I screamed for my sake. I screamed for my stupidity to run. I screamed until my throat burned and my eyes raw. I stood up again legs shaky but soon fell to the ground.

All I remember was my head hitting the curb and a crack.

I woke up 3 hours later home in my bed. My mother found me. Miss. G had indeed died, but lucky me I wasn't getting jail time. So I think I need a drink.

So first chapter guys!!! Updated and revised hopefully the grammar is good.


	2. Thanos and his Swine Lover

Updated *4/25

Míria's Pov

"Fuck my head hurts. I don't remember drinking last night," I groaned and sat up assessing the damage I probably did.

Alright, missing one boot nice. Hoodie ruined. Pants muddy. Life...fucked.

"Well great, now I'm going to have to get this dry cleaned," I huffed and stood up. Brushing myself off and my surprising dry hair back I looked around. Forest? Ooh Míria Míria Míria you slammed back something wild huh.

I don't remember falling asleep here but I'll never understand the dumb things drunk Míriaell does. Like that time I somehow found Chris Evans house knocked on the door and flashed him. THAT! Made the news. What can I say? I love a good popsicle.

Focus MiMi. Alright let's think of what happened last night. I let out a shaky breath as I thought about Miss. G again. The second voice was not of this world, I was sure of it. But I never thought of anything being out of this world.

I looked around and noticed the sun was now out so I had some light to work with. I'm not entirely sure where I am and I have no cellphone so this sucks.

Shit did someone kidnap me? Oh man I was roofied wasn't I. Damn you Bill Cosby and your trend setting ways.

And damn Miss.G one minute we chilling the next she dies. Like not fair I wanted to go first and now she's up there. I looked up at the sky in thought for a moment then laughed before glancing at the dirt. She's probably in hell.

I finally decided to look for my one missing shoe and find a little rabbit nibbling on the end of the lace.

I'll tell you now I'm not an animal person, but even I could've handled this better.

"Okay Bugs let the fuck go and nobody gets hurt," I cooed and reached for it. I yanked it away from the little guy only to trip over a rock into mud.

Now I don't usually curse but.. who am I kidding

"Fuckity fuck fuck. My fucking god what the fucking fuck fuck," I screamed out.

"Oh my dear quite the language you have," a tall ass giant man took over me.

Now a bitch is 5'7 and I know that's not short but this dude was tall as fuck. And all he was wearing was this grey cloak and a grey pointy hat. Man was dudes naked under there?

"Excuse me man. I'm Míriaell but my friends call me Míria and I don't know where the hell I am but I do know my ass is stuck in mud," I huffed.

Tall dude chuckled lightly and pulled me out the mud like I was a feather or something.

"Hello Míria, I am Gandalf the Grey. Welcome to Middle Earth," he smiled kindly.

"Gandalf? The grey? Okay if this is some sick joke Miss. G is playing on me I freaking swear! Or are you one of the guys who kidnapped her? Only hell Im losing it," I muttered sitting down on a log. Let's think of all the drugs I did last night. Coke, Harry bean, good ol Mary, X..I'm kidding I'm kidding. A bit?

Now that I was truly looking around me I noticed I wasn't in a normal forest with trees, there was actually a path a bit off. I was utterly lost.

"My dear you seem confused. Come night fall is coming shortly and I have a important meeting with an old friend. You may tag along and find food and warmth. And possibly some answers for your questions," Gandalf tsked then walked away.

"This was my mother's doing huh? A new form of rehab? Well jokes on her sober is a word that is not in my vocabulary," I smirked and stood on a trunk before that bitch Bugs came back with more friends.

"Yo Gandy wait up," I screamed chasing him down.

While walking with Gandalf he filled me in our destination. Now at this point this all sounds like a huge prank G is playing on me or maybe even my mother. Or still going with the rehab idea. But how'd they'd get fucking Dumbledore to host I have no idea shouldn't he be off stealing babies and sending kids to take care of murderous Michael Jackson snakes. Get it cause no nose? No? Tough crowd.

But from what I could tell Gandalf might just be an old man who's kidnapping me, that or a drug dealer. He seems like he's stoned to the highest of skies. Maybe he can help a girl out.

"..And that is why I'm going to Rivendell," Gandalf finished.

"Sounds great honestly Gandy but why would you guys be pissy over a little ring? See when I heard the plot to the movie it didn't make sense but now that I've met someone who seems to be re-enacting it, it just sounds even more dumb," I shrugged.

"Hey do you have a phone on you? I would like to call my mother a Thanos loving swine for putting me in this weird ass rehab reenactment retreat"

"I don't not know of this fone you speak of my dear, but I would wish you'd take this a bit more seriously. The world as we know it is at stake," Gandy groaned.

Swear he face-palmed too.

"Whatever you- oh wow," my mouth gaped open as I stared up at the most gorgeous castle looking shit I'd ever seen.

It was like a crystal palace but in a mountain, and there were waterfalls flowing everywhere. I was utterly shook. And believe me I don't say shook much as a 25 year old woman I believe I have some maturity. I did same some. And most things don't put me in a state of shookness but this place. Whoever owns this deals serious drugs.

"Gandy," I spoke in awe.

"Yes my dear?"

"Is this owned by a druglord?"

Smack! I whipped around fast. I know this old man did not just fucking clunk me upside my damn head with his over compensated dildo!

"Imladris or Rivendell as earlier mentioned. The last homely home. Come my dear we're just in time. And do close your mouth it's quite unbecoming," Gandy chuckled and shuffled forward with his staff towards a tall pretty brunette. Must be my druglord.

"**Mae g'ovannen Gandalf. Ier telwa mellon nin**"

Okay what the heck is happening?? What is he saying. Are his ears pointed? Alright breathe, breathe. BREATHE.

I don't always freak out but now I definitely am, because this doesn't seem like a dream anymore or a prank or a kidnapping. This place sure seems out of this world and if it is then Miss. G when I get to hell I got some apologies to make.

"Hello Lady Míriaell I am Lord Elrond." The tall pretty man spoke to me.

This is equivalent of Zac Efron hitting on me, Troy Bolton Zac not that hairy beast we know today.

"What are you a lord of exactly?" Please say drugs please say drugs.

"This realm my dear and you shall be my guest!"

"Like in beauty and the beast! Omg are we going to fall in love. Dibs on being Gaston and you can be Lefou my not so secret secret gay lover. Gandy you be Belle," I cooed.

Lord Elrond of not drugs gave Gandy a what-the-fuck look.

Gandy gave him a she-does-this look.

"Please let my daughter escort you to your corridors," he turned and motioned for a girl to come towards me.

Hey she's pretty.

"**Suilad ****nín ****enith Arwen**"

"Girl I do not speak the French we gone need English Por favor," I laughed as Arwen looked to her father.

She gave him a who-in-the-hell look and he replied with a she-does-this look.

"I am sorry I did not know you spoke common tongue for your skin is fair of that of an elleth," she replies.

"Are we about to have a lesbo moment? Be the Monica to my Rachel please," I smiled widely and hugged the very confused woman in front of me.

"Father..help," she squeaked out.

Alright so knowing what I did not earlier. Arwen is an elf and so is Lord Elrond of not drugs. Gandy is a wizard. And I'm a human obviously. Arwen who I secretly call Snow White has spent the last 7 days informing me of the history of Middle Earth and its inhabitants.

Spoiler alert. They've got these ugly things called Orcs but even they're better than the Kardashians so I'll take it!

I also told Elrond who I may start calling Elmo secretly everything I know of how I got here including before I arrived as well. I laid in my rather large bed thinking back on the conversation I heard between him and Gandy.

_"I do not think the young Míriaell is lying to us my Lord Elrond. When I found her in the woods she looked lost and you saw her attire. She even speaks as if she is from another world. I believe she has been sent to us." _

_"I believe that to be true Gandalf but for what reason. What shall we do should she be against our cause?" _

_"And what if she is for it. The Vala did not fail us when they sent Evelyn Gavernson to us. She saved Middle Earth." _

_"And yet she knew how the story would go and still let Bilbo take the ring!"_

_"For the sake of Middle Earth! What do you want me to do my lord? Send the girl back? You know we do not have the ability." _

_"Evelyn went back did she not?" _

_"Yes but at the promise that she would rejoin her husband in the halls of Mahal."_

_"Gandalf I just do not feel comfortable resting the fate of Middle Earth in her hands. She knows nothing of the story or plot. She does not even know how the story is to end. What value will she be?" _

_"The same as our hobbit once was." _

_"Very well she shall join our meeting. Do not make me regret this Gandalf." _

What I had got from that conversation is one thing. I'm not going back home and this shit is really happening. I would've preferred the rehabilitation center.

I did also ask Arwen of the story of Evelyn Gavernson that slick old lady. She was a freaking queen married Thorin damn Oakenshield. What a legend. But besides that Arwen has been helping me prepare for a life as a human in a sucky world. What the hell did I get into.

Second chapter done


	3. String Cheese Is Salty

Míriaell's POV

My second week in the Middle Earth trap house started like this..

"Snow White I refuse to put that on you can't make me! Unless you have Tom Holland hiding under those skirts," I screamed holding onto the bed.

"Lady Arwen she is strong I am not sure we can hold on much longer," Snow White's maid chicks cried pulling my legs.

"Míriaell you are acting of that of a babe still on the breast. Put on the dress," Snow White sighed.

"Never! I will not I shall not I-"

Now I was sitting in what felt like a start to a really bad joke or an orgy. Arwen had got me into a dress after she offered me some llama llama bread. It was a pastel lavender color with tight fabric that gripped my arms from my biceps but flowed around my wrist. It came with this adorable little white sash and the most comfortable flats I've ever known. Arwen has tried taming my hair but Merida has a mind of her own and so I'm rocking my long mid back length red hair curls and all.

As for the orgy joke. There were was 3 short dudes. So that's where Snow's dwarves had been. Some more elves. Some men, thank god I'm having a dry spell. A little dude which I believe to be a hobbit and Gandy and Elmo.

I raised my hand before we began.

Gandy gave me please-don't-do-anything-stupid look and Elrond addressed me.

"Yes Míriaell," he sounded tired of me already.

Ya accidentally walk in on a guy taking the biggest dump Middle Earth has seen since Lily dumped Marshall in How I Met Your Mother.

"Can I just say your eyes are sparkling today babe. And also I don't wanna be here that is all," I smiled.

The room went silent waiting for Elmo to react.

"Míriaell we've talked about this you are attending so that I don't have to worry about you spying later."

Fair enough. And so I shrugged.

Elmo began he Sesame Street speech, "

Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate--this one doom."

He gestures to the pedestal.

"Bring forth the Ring, Frodo."

Finally I get to see this dumb ring everyone is losing their shit over.

The little dude who I think is also the hobbit and now I guess named Frodo rises and lays the Ring on the pedestal and returns to his seat.

I look at the ring and shrug. Tiffany's would be embarrassed. Not to mention the Jones brothers. Nobody say a word.

The people around me start whispering.

Before a man with stringy looking noodle hair speaks the loudest, "So it is true..."

I heard another man mumble, "The Doom of Men."

Strings shakes his head and starts pacing, "It is a gift. A gift to the foes of Mordor. Why not use this Ring? Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor, kept the forces of Mordor at bay. By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe! Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against him!"

So this is gonna be the guy to try and kill us all later in the movie isn't he. For the love of whoever wrote the script a bitch don't wanna die.

Another man speaks up, he's like a cleaner version of Johnny Depp, "You cannot wield it! None of us can. The One Ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master."

Strings is on the defense, "And what would a ranger know of this matter?"

Suddenly one of the elves stands. He's one of the first blonde ones I've seen. Hmm think I'll call him Barbie.

Barbie, "This is no mere ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance."

Ahh so this was the Aragorn Snow White's panties cried about every night. Well metaphorically speaking since they don't have panties.

Strings looks at Barbie like he wants to fight and take her Malibu dream house, "Aragorn? This... is Isildur's heir?"

Barbie now looks constipated, "And heir to the throne of Gondor."

Oh shit he's a a king. Damn Aragorn forget Snow White I'm in need of the royal treatment.

Aragorn spoke in the pretty French which I've learned is Sindarin, "Havo dad Legolas"

Ahh so Barbie is Legolas. New nickname!! Clint Barton.

Strings grumbles and returns to his seat, "Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king."

"And you sounds like a salty bitch who hasn't got his c-"

Gandy gives me a look before continuing, "Aragorn is right. We cannot use it."

Elmo speaks up this time, "You have only one choice. The Ring must be destroyed."

"Sounds a bit dramatic if you ask me. I say we let me wear it. Anyone? No? No. Got it," I laughed as many of the men around me looked at me.

Shorty with the rocking bear stands up, "What are we waiting for?"

Oh this fool stupid stupid huh? He grabs an axe and approaches the pedestal.

"ARGH!!!"

Shorty strikes the Ring with full force but is repelled back, throwing him to the ground. The Ring remains intact with the shards of the axe all around it.

Dark whispers start to emerge from the ring.

"Good job short stuff now you've broken your toy and pissed off the ring."

Elmo continued, "The Ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin by any craft that we here possess. The Ring was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came."

Ahh so shorty is Gimli. Haha Gimli the Gummy Bear.

The ring continues to whisper "Ash Nazg"

Elmo dropped a bomb bigger than the one from this morning, "One of you must do this."

And that ensued a dead silence from the council.

Strings spoke up..again, "One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its black gates are guarded by more than just orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep. And the great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland. Riddled with fire and ash and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly!"

"See the string cheese haired roach has a point. I don't know much about this place but I'm agreeing you can't just want into a place like that," I looked at Elmo.

And up Clint Barton is being all righteous, "Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The Ring must be destroyed!"

This kid is like if Cap and Clint got it on and made a righteous little patriotic archer.

Gummy bear jumps in now, "And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?!"

Cue Strings, "And if we fail, what then?! What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?!"

Gummy is having none of this, "I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf!"

And that my friends is how I met your mother. Okay no these idiots start arguing with each other. And I thought I was the immature one.

At this point no one is paying attention to me so I just stroll right up to the ring and exam it. Hmm looks nice.

Gummy is yelling, "Never trust an elf!"

Gandy comes in, "Do you not understand that while we bicker amongst ourselves, Sauron's power grows?! None can escape it!"

I walk over to Frodo who remains seated, watching the Ring uneasily, the angry figures of the council reflected on its surface.

"Hey look perfect fit," I laughed and show him the ring on my finger. Frodo looks at me like I'm crazy and starting standing.

Suddenly, flames flare up, engulfing the surface of the Ring. And the the stupid thing starts chanting. Ash Nazg Durbatuluk! Ash Nazg Gimbatul! Ash Nazg Gimbatul! Ash Nazg Gimbatul!

Damn thing has an alarm system.

The intensity of the arguments increase. I watch as slowly, determination dawns on Frodo's face. He stands and takes a few steps toward the arguing council, trying to make his voice heard above them.

At this point I'm behind him trying to get the damn thing off. Darn those late 2am donuts.

Frodo yells, "I will take it! I will take it!"

The argument slowly dies down. Gandy who was nearest closes is eyes as he hears Frodo's statement. The members of the council slowly turn towards Frodo, astonished.

Frodo states again, "I will take the Ring to Mordor. Though-- I do not know the way."

Still in the background attempting to get the ring of my hand. How'd I get so chubby.

Gandy walks up to Frodo, "I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, so long as it is yours to bear." He places his hands reassuringly on Frodo's shoulders.

Aragorn the yummy ranger rises, "If by my life or death, I can protect you, I will."

He approaches Frodo and keels before him. Oh shit proposal.

I put my hand behind my back as I try wiggling the ring off. I'm so close to sticking it in my mouth.

Aragorn smiled, "You have my sword."

Obviously Clint couldn't let his lover go alone, "And you have my bow." He walks to join them.

And Gummy has to join too, "And my axe" he looks grimly at Legolas as he joins the group.

Stringy walks over to them, "You carry the fates of us all little one. If this is indeed the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done."

Okay just cause he's tiny doesn't make him little! Tiny yet mighty!!

In runs the cutest little guy every, "Heh!" he jumps from behind the bushes and joins them. "Mr.Frodo is not goin' anywhere without me!"

Elmo looked amused, "No indeed, it is hardly possible to separate you even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not."

"But when I do it it's wrong," I groan.

Two others emerge from behind the pillars to join them, "Wait! We are coming too!"

"I feel like Dorthy when all the munchkins started popping out and shit."

The first one speaks up, "You'd have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us!"

"Anyway you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission, quest... thing," smiles the second.

"Well that rules you out Pip."

All Pip. So cute!

Elmo smiles, "Nine companions... So be it! You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!"

"Great! Where are we going?," Lil Pip speaks.

"More importantly where's the ring," Gandy asks.

Then for no reason as all they all turned towards me.

"I just wanted to try it on," I whine.

After being yelled at and called a foolish girl Elrond yes Elrond decided he was tired of having me in his hair and that I would be going this Fellowship. Which is his nice way of saying I hope you die.


	4. AlmostMiria

So guys I thought I'd give you a sneak peak at what Miriaell's character almost was and what story I almost wrote. I found this in my notes and decided why not

Kali's POV:

"Kal watch this movie with me please. It's the final installment and you know how bad I want to see it," my bestfriend Amara whined.

My pale blue eyes practically gray flickered over towards her. She really expected me to go see this dumbass movie with her.

"Mars for the last time. I don't want to see a movie about midgets compensating for their size by fighting a dragon," I looked into my bedroom mirror as I put my auburn colored hair into a long braid.

"That is NOT the plot of The Hobbit Kali," Amara glared at me as I shrugged.

"Mars you promised you'd go camping with me this weekend anyway so let's follow through on that promise first," I watched her through the mirror.

"No I said next weekend! You promised to watch all 3 movies with me and I didn't bother with it now. But this is the last one so please be a good friend," Amara sighed.

When I raised my brow at her she huffed and turned away. I heard her aggressively stomping down the stairs before hearing our front door slam shut. Now I know I was being rude but I didn't want to see the movie. I would just bitch and moan about how shitty it was in the end anyway. I hadn't even read The Hobbit when it was assigned homework all I knew is that they fight a dragon and oh spoiler alert somebody dies.

Like that's lame as shit if you ask me, I quickly took a shower and got out drying myself off. I had already washed my hair but because of Amara I hadn't showered first, she always throws me off balance. I slipped on a simple black sports bra with matching black boy shorts. I climbed into bed plugging my phone in. It was about 6:30 but I actually did in fact have plans tomorrow, I had to catch a flight to Ireland for an interview and so I needed to sleep.

— / next day / —

a blaring noise known as my alarm was going of at exactly 2:30am. I got up from my bed putting on sweats and a hoodie that read 'Life Sucks'. I went into the bathroom and did my business before washing my hands brushing my teeth and washing my face.

I grabbed my backpack, it was only a 2 days trip. I couldn't afford any longer so I only needed my back bag. Inside I had 2 sticks of deodorant, a face towel, some soap, a new toothbrush, a hairbrush, a pack of hair ties, 2 pairs of leggings with fleece inside, 2 long sleeve T-shirt's, a pair of socks, some forgotten tampons,3 pairs of panties and 3 bras. My extra phone charger and the outfit I'd be wearing to the interview. I always over packed because I knew I was bound to forget something.

Putting my earbuds in my ear, my phone dinged telling me that my Uber has arrived. I couldn't find my slides so I just put on my winter boots with a shrug grabbing my phone I walked out my apartment. I didn't leave a note for Amara because she knew where I was going.

I got into the Uber and told him to head to the airport as I closed my eyes falling back asleep. About 45 minutes he told me we'd arrived to our destination. I hopped out the car as he yelled out something about a 5 star rating.

With my book bag on my back I made my way towards the front entrance. For some reason he had parked away from the door so I had to walk in the rain.

With my music blasting in my ears I bobbed my head to Thank You, Next by Ariana Grande. My left earbud popped out my ear and I growled. Hated when that happened.

I was ready to swear when I heard, "Watch Out!"

Then a searing pain ran through my body and I'm pretty sure I died.

— The Hobbit An Unexpected Journey —

I sat up holding my head. All I saw was trees.

"Man what the fuck. Ouch that hurt like a fucking bitch," I swore as I picked leaves out my hair.

Standing up I marched over to where I saw my bag. I noticed a little rabbit was wrapped around it.

"Okay Bugs let the fuck go and nobody gets hurt," I cooed and reached for it. I yanked it away from the little guy only to trip over a rock into mud.

"Fuckity fuck fuck. My fucking god what the fucking fuck fuck," I screamed out.

"Oh my dear quite the language you have," a tall ass giant man took over me.

Now a bitch is 5'0 and I know that's short but this dude was tall as fuck. And all he was wearing was this grey cloak and a grey pointy hat. Man was dudes naked under there?

"Excuse me man. I'm Kali and I don't know where the hell I am but I do know my ass is stuck in mud," I huffed.

Tall dude chuckled lightly and pulled me out the mud like I was a feather or something.

"Hello Kali, I am Gandalf the Grey. Welcome to Middle Earth," he smiled kindly.

Middle what? Oh he was crazy huh. "Sorry man this is just Earth ain't no middle about it. But hey point in the direction of a town. I think my Uber ditched my ass in the woods," I mumbled reaching for my phone.

Wait- where's my phone? I quickly opened my bag and started searching. Oh fuck no, some bitch was about to die!

"My dear you seem confused. Come night fall is coming shortly and I have to meet some companions. You'll find food and warmth where I'm headed," Gandalf tsked then walked away.

"Wait. But where's my phone," I screamed and ran after the tall man.

— / Nighttime / —

It was night time now and Gandalf had indeed taken me with him. We met up with these eight little hairy men. I had learned their names, kind of. Dori, Ori, Nori, Bifur , Bofur, Bombur, Gloin and Oin.

"Who is she," the small dude name Ori asked looking at me nervously.

"More like what is she," Gloin grumbled.

"Hey. Yea hi listen here you little fuckers no one will be talking shit about she. She is me and I am her. And her has a named. Kali Ross. Tall dude- I mean Gandalf saved me from drowning in some mud. Don't worry once I get to this place with the food and warmth I'm outtie," I rolled my eyes.

I think I saw Gandalf facepalm as the little dudes looked at me in shock. I just shrugged as we pulled up to this little joint. Gandalf called it Bag End where we supposed to be meeting another person.

Bofur steps forward with so much excitement as he rings doorbell hard and annoyingly long.

We all hear some stopping and then a male voice yelling through the door, "Oh no. No, no! There's nobody home. Go away, and bother somebody else. There's far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If- if- If this is some clotterd's idea of a joke, ha ha, I can only say, it is in very poor taste."

Dwarves? Is that was these little dudes were? Wait- dwarves. If there's dwarves there's..

The door opens and the eight dwarves fall inside each struggling to get up, they grumble and yell at each other, saying "Get off!".

I looked at the man or well Hobbit in front of me.

"You're a hobbit. You've got to be shitting me right now," I cried out before everything went black and I succumbed to my exhaustion.

~~~

I heard a little voice in the back of my head calling out about plates. Okay Kali when you open your eyes you will still be in the Uber this has just been a bad dream. Opening my eyes slowly I found I was laying on a small bed with my feet hanging off the end. I stood up and followed the voice.

"Those are my plates! Excuse me! Not my wine. Put that back. Put that back! Not the jam, please! ...Excuse me."

Bombur walks out of the pantry with three entire wheels of cheese. Now I myself fucking love cheese but even that's a tad bit excessive and apparently our host thought so too.

Our little host squeaked out, "Excuse me. A tad excessive, isn't it? Have you got a cheese knife?"

At this point I am beyond confused, irritated and getting a bit hungry.

Bofur decided now was the time for him and his fugly little hat to chime in, "Cheese knife? He eats it by the block."

Oin and Gloin walk through the hall carrying chairs from one of little dude's rooms. At this point I kind of feel bad for the little guy. He reminds me of this kid I used to take peanut butter sandwiches from. That sounded amazing right now, also what is this bunny sized human's name anyway.

"No, no, that's Grandpa Mungo's chair! No, I'm sorry, you'll have to take it back please. Take it back...It's antique, not for sitting on! Thank you! That's a book, not a coaster. Put that map down, thank you," little bunny man said.

I scoffed leaning against the door, he just fucking said thank you- thank you?!

Oin messes with his hear trumpet going, "I cannot hear what you're saying!"

The dwarves continue bringing all of Bilbo's food and furniture into the dining room. Dori approaches Gandalf with a tray and some tea. Yea I overheard someone say it so now he's not a little bunny.

"Excuse me, Mr. Gandalf, can I tempt you with a nice cup of chamomile tea?"

Gandalf, "Oh, no thank you, Dori. A little red wine for me, I think."

At this point I decided to make myself known again.

"Aye Gandalf or um Mr.Grey, wait are you related to Christian Grey because wow he's wow. Wait getting distracted. Gandalf where the hell are we," I hugged out.

Gandalf glances at me slightly and walks out of the dining room, trying to avoid the scurrying dwarves. He hits his head on the chandelier, then he begins counting the dwarves on his fingers. I know the senile old man is not fucking ignoring me.

Gandalf continues his murming, "Fili, Kili, Oin, Gloin, Dwalin, Balin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Dori, Nori...Ori."

Fili? Kili? Dwalin? Balin? Who in the hell are these guys. What the hell is this story? Why are there so many main characters with similar names. Why does Mars like this? Furthermore, how the hell did she follow it.

Bilbo wrestles a bowl of tomatoes away from Nori. Bifur, the dwarf with an axe in his head, approaches Gandalf and talks to him in some strange garbled language while making body motions

Gandalf responds, "Yes, you're quite right, Bifur. We appear to be one dwarf short."

"How did you understand that? What the hell. And answer me! I am not invisible," I growled.

Gandalf turns towards me, finally coming to acknowledge me before a short but built dwarf speaks up, "He is late, is all. He travelled North to a meeting of our kin. He will come. And he will not be happy with this company you keep."

"Company? I have a name you little overcompensated man. And it's Kali and whoever has a problem with my being here can shove a foot up his ass," I glared at the dwarf.

Suddenly it was quiet and all the dwarves were looking at me expectantly.

"Oi sorry to blow your egos but you do not address a lady as company unless she is a hooker," I shrugged.

"Alright Lady Ross I believe it is time you retire for the evening or just until our guest gets here and we discuss your...," Gandalf trailed off unsure of how to address me most likely.

Dori however the little mothering hen dwarf steps in, "Mr. Gandalf?

Gandalf quickly gives him his attention, "Hmmm?"

"A little glass of red wine, as requested. It's, eh, got a fruity bouquet."

"Ah, Cheers."

Gandalf drinks the tiny cup of wine Dori offers him, then looks sadly at the cup, wanting a little more

"Mm."

"Oh brother," I rolled my eyes.

Burly dwarf who reminds me of grumpy just grunts and makes his way to the dining room with the rest of the deflated egotistical dwarves. I only stop by to pile up my own plate of food before locking myself in Bilbo's room barricading the door.

~~

I must have fallen asleep at some point because I awoke to a tallish short dwarf with brown hair and another slightly shorter with blonde hair staring at me.

"We are here to retrieve you lady Ross," the brunette spoke first.

"Please however do try not insult us in front our leader. He can be," the blonde continued.

"Stern," they finished together.

I rolled my eyes and followed behind them, as we got closer to the hall near the door I saw the dwarves gathered around and Bilbo speaking to someone.

I peak between them and see a gorgeous dwarf with one funky ass beard. He's like the Johnny Depp of dwarves.

"Well, I have some skill at Conkers, if you must know, but I fail to see why that's relevant," Bilbo answers whatever he asked prior.

"Thought as much. He looks more like a grocer than a burglar," the mystery dwarf answers.

The dwarves all laugh, and they began to walk back to the dining table.

And just like that mystery dwarf was now douche dwarf, "Hey that was actually quite rude. I mean yea I've been blowing holes through your egos but Bilbo here has been a nice little bun-hobbit and deserves your upmost respect. Especially after letting you disgusting little men eat all his food and pillage his house!"

And that's all I had


End file.
